Originally, this was going to be a long post about job interviews. Then I had to move the blog from Wordpress (ugh, they were TOTALLY cramping my style, rage against the establishment, blah blah blah) and that ate up the amount of time in the evening when I'm remotely coherent. Of course, you could wait around until sometime after 11 PM and then I get even less coherent, but possibly funnier. You know, in a hysterical, raving sort of way.
All that being said, the topic of tonight's chat is going to be on the nature of that most wretched of beasts: retail. Music doesn't soothe it, so leave your magic harp at home, Snape.
Retail: that point in jobs that's somewhere between "would you like fries with that?" and "good evening, madam, where may I drive you this evening?" (Although the chauffeur idea totally has merit. Right up until my employer made me turn down my Fallout Boy.) I've been working retail at a high end toy store for going on two years now, and while I enjoy my coworkers and the flexible hours, I'm getting to that point in my career where I have to restrain myself from stapling someone to the ceiling and throwing marshmallows at them every time I hear certain statements. Oh, look! Here are some now!
Statement #1: This child is very advanced/precocious.
If the number of children in the world are as advanced as their grandparents portray them to be is true, then "advanced" now means "average." Unless your three year old is spouting Greek and doing Euclidean geometry on their toes, I don't want to hear about it. They'll like paddle balls and bubbles just as much as the "dumb" kid down the street. For goodness' sake, stop shoving them further into this hell hole called adulthood and let them goof! Being "advanced" can wait until high school when people actually care about that sort of thing.
Statement #2: You will remember to take the price tag off, right?
Answer: No. No, I'm going to leave it on there before I wrap it. That way the parents of this child will know EXACTLY how cheap you are and give you the stink eye every Christmas and birthday from now until eternity. By the way, love the patronizing tone. It'll definitely make me want to take a few extra seconds and do a really pretty bow. Not.
Statement #3: Are you SURE you don't have it? It's not in the back? Well, can you check? Are you sure?
I'm positive. I unloaded all the boxes that the merchandise came in, then reorganized the display to show all the items to their maximum potential. I even got sweaty, see? Smell my armpit. Plus, I was in the back room five minutes ago and whatever you're looking for wasn't there. Please try Knowledge Tree or Target. Preferably as soon as possible. Like, now.
Statement #4: Um, my son had an accident over there. *points*
What I want to say: Here are some paper towels and here's some Clorox. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!
What I actually say: Oh, don't worry about it, ma'am. Happens all the time. We'll take care of it in a jiffy.
Then I turn around and barf. But, you know. With class.
Statement #5: Why is this so expensive?
Usually, items are priced by either the distributor or the owner of the store. Don't come crying to me when you don't like a price. I literally have NO power in this place. If I were a power ranger, I would be clear. (Well, it makes sense to me.) You wanted an expensive toy, you walked in here, and you got it, baby. Want me to leave the price tag so everyone can see how much you love this kid?
That wraps up this evening's rant. Tomorrow's subject: the belated job interview post. Having had two days to think on it, no doubt it'll be impressively witty. And now I've put more pressure on myself. Awesome.
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